Saturday, June 16, 2012

Barbie Dolls




Barbie Dolls




I have recently being seeing and hearing a lot of things in regards to Barbie dolls being a bad or shallow influence on little girls and I just have to ask:

Why is your little girl a boring-ass lame-o? And whose fault is that really?

Barbie is an inanimate object, she has no real influence, but parents do. Barbie doesn't have much of a back story, she is a doll, and she has a lot of stuff. The rest is up to your child and her imagination, which is most greatly influenced by her parents.

Seriously, Barbie doesn't have a pull string that says, “Make me be a vapid, anorexic, spoiled little rich girl or I'll eat your face.” If that is what she is to your child, then you as a parent haven't been doing much to stimulate your child's mind, because as much as many people would like blame TV, the truth is, parents have the most influence, (and control of the TV so, ya know....).

I had a Barbie and I loved her. I also had some of her stuff because, for a child with imagination, accessories can enhance, not diminish the make believe scenario. It just frees up more brain power for the story line of relaxing with Ken after a hard day working for the FBI if you don't have to actually imagine the hot tub she is sitting in. That's brain power that can be diverted to imagining the werewolves she has to fight off after Ken finishes her foot massage.

My Barbie had a dream house, a Corvette and a Jeep. She also had a toilet that actually flushed if you put water in it. HILARIOUS hours of fun. Anyway, Barbie had the most awesome life any kid could ever dream of. She flipped her Corvette during the Cannonball Stairway Run and still managed to beat the Glamor Girls in their Firebird. It might have had something to do with the fact that the Glamor Girls were Scotch taped to the roof. Not very aerodynamic but, the rules said drivers had to be attached to their cars.

My Barbie often took the Jeep on expeditions to the remote jungles of "the creek" and tackled dangerous monsters and missions. One day, she didn't get there in time to save Ken from the radiation mutated gigantic, German Shepard from Monster Island, named Taffy.

Barbie sustained multiple injuries including puncture wounds and the loss of several fingers. Scars that remain with her to this day in Attic-ville, where she lives a life of luxury retirement. Ken was not so fortunate though. Doctor Dad could only save the head. He was put on life support, (the bulb assembly from an old flashlight inside a Kleenex box), and put in the spare room of the Barbie Dream House. Then Barbie started hanging out with the Kiss doll, He-man and G.I. Joe, cause, ya know, she has needs.

The point is, Barbie is what you make her. If your kid's Barbie Doll is a just a lame and shallow gold digger, who only worries about what to wear, then, you probably are too.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Overheard in a Meadow

“Hey Doug. Hey Mac. How's the grass over here?”

“Oh it's lovely. This is my favorite spring meadow.”

“So what shall we look for to fatten up on first?”

“I don't know, maybe we could-”

“What?”

“Don't look now but here comes Phil.”

“Phil?”

“Oh please, I just woke up. I can't handle Phil right now.”

“Yeah, Phil has nightmares.” *Snicker giggle*

“Nightmares?”

“HEY GUYS! HEY! IT”S ME, PHIL!”

“Just keep walking. Don't make eye contact.”

“GUYS?”

“Phil swears every year that he gets abducted by aliens and they try to make him predict how much longer winter is going to last.”

*RAUCOUS LAUGHTER*

“That's ridiculous.”

“Of course it is.”

“Why would aliens? …. I mean.... if they are technologically advanced enough to find him and abduct him, don't you think they would KNOW how long winter lasts? I mean even those stupid birds know it lasts until the day and night are equal.”

“Yeah well, don't bother arguing with Phil about it.”

“GUYS! GUYS! IT HAPPENED AGAIN! IT HAPPENED AGAIN! THIS TIME THEY HAD A PROBE! IT WENT IN MY EYEBALL!”

“Eyeball probes?”

“Just keep walking.”

“Seriously, if aliens were going to abduct somebody, don't you think they would find someone smarter than Phil?”

“GUYS?”

“SO, do you think aliens actually exist?”

“Don't tell me you believe Phil and his crazy nightmares?”

“No, I'm just curious if you think they exist.”

“No.”

“Well it's possible but, I doubt they would want anything to do with us.”

“GUYS! THERE WAS THIS BRIGHT LIGHT. JUST LIKE LAST TIME BUT THIS TIME THEY PUT SOMETHING IN MY FACE AND THEN-”

“Oh, Lord he isn't going to stop, walk faster.”

“Well this meadow does have resources, I mean they might want to exploit them.”

“GUYS?”

“Yeah, do you remember that story about that skinny guy they found at the edge of the tree line, said he was from a meadow to the west and aliens came down with their big machines and started tearing up the whole place and they used some kind of high tech weapon that made all the dens fill up with smoke and he said he was the only one to escape.”

“Oh how convenient. He was the only one.”

“Well it's obvious he suffered some sort of trauma. I believe the doctors concluded it was an earthquake and he was the only survivor and his mind concocted the Alien theory to deal with it.”

“How would turning an earthquake into aliens make it better?”

“GUYS?”

“Well then he would have someone to blame.”

“Oh, I see.”

“GUUUUUUYS!”

“Resources, please. If aliens were to show up here, then obviously they would have advanced beyond the need for stealing meadow resources. If they did show up, they would be far advanced not only in technology but in benevolence. It's just common sense.”

“ I don't know, I think it's possible.”

“DAMMITT YOU GUYS!”

“But clearly Phil is crazy.”

“Clearly.”

“Oh, I agree completely.”

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Infinity and the Dimwitted

 If you have reached adulthood and never contemplated the infinite nature of the universe, you are probably stupid.  No.  Not probably. You are.

    Most people do this when they are little children.  They ask a question about what’s   beyond the clouds or the solar system or the galaxy, and if some adult isn’t around in their moment of curiosity to explain infinity and give them something to bend their minds until the next cartoon comes on, then they arrive at the concept of infinity themselves.  After all, while it may seem mindboggling, it is in essence, a pretty simple concept. 

   If they don’t do this in childhood, when their brains are still pliable enough to accept such headache inducing ideas, then they most likely won’t bother to think about it in adulthood, after their minds have begun to set like concrete (and if they have never contemplated infinity in childhood that concrete is more like granite). If, however someone brings it up in a moment of wonder when the granite may have a small crack exposed, the results may not be very pretty.

    My husband told me the most amusing story the other night.

 One night in the late sixties, my husband’s father, Bud and his work pal (let’s call him Fred since no one remembers what his real name was anyway) came out of the mine around midnight.  It was a clear night in the middle of no-where and the stars could be seen stretching their infinite stretch across the sky. 

Fred looks at the sky and says: “Would ya look at that?”

Bud: “Yup. Hard to imagine how it goes on forever.”

Fred: “Huh?”

Bud: “Hard to imagine how it goes on forever.”

Fred: What are ya talking about? Nothing goes on forever.”

Bud: “Well what the hell comes after it when it ends? And what comes after that? And after that?”

At this point they both get into Bud’s truck and head for home.  Fred doesn’t say anything the whole truck ride.  Bud doesn’t really notice because they don’t always talk on the way home.

   Bud drops Fred at his house and says goodbye.  Fred gets out of the truck without saying a word.  Bud thinks this a little odd, but chalks it up to Fred being tired after a hard day in the mine and goes home to get some rest himself.

     The next day, Fred is not at work.  The day after, Fred is not at work.  The day after that Fred still has not shown up for work.  That night when Bud gets home his wife tells him that Fred’s wife called demanding to know what Bud had said to him the night Bud drove him home.

    Bud replied that he hadn’t said anything to Fred.

    My Mother-in-law told Bud that according to Fred’s wife, Bud had said something to Fred that made him crazy and Fred had simply been wandering around for the last three days alternating between talking nonsense about the universe or not talking at all and not going to work.

   After sitting down and thinking about it Bud remembered the comment he had made about the universe being infinite. That was only thing he had said to Fred that night.

    Fred eventually came back to work, but everyone agreed, he was never quite right after that.






Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My Comcast story

    I hear people discussing, (mostly complaining about), Comcast all the time, so I have decided to share my Comcast story with you all since it is quite amusing.  Many years ago when my husband and I lived in town we had Comcast digital cable. We had this nifty, streamlined cable box with a blue power light, or was it green?  Who cares?  It also had a little red right.  I definitely remember the little red light because we would be sitting on the couch, enjoying something on our Comcast digital cable and the screen would suddenly go to snow and the little red light on the box would go out.  Of course we did all the usual.  Turn it on, turn it off.  Unplug it, plug it back in.  The signal and little red light would come and go as they pleased.  We called Comcast and they would tell us the same thing every time.  We don’t see any problems and the little red light has nothing to do with anything.  After calling and complaining several more times, they finally agreed to send a technician.  An old man in a grey jumpsuit.  He looked the thing over with his flashlight.  My son was three years old at the time and he wattled up to the repairman and skeptically asked: “Ahhhh…..do you know what you’re doing?” 

  He’s a very smart kid.

   The old man launched into an “explanation”  that started with, “Now look here son….” It sounded technical on the surface but also sounded like total unsubstantiated bullshit in essence.  When he was done my three old looked at me rolled his eyes.

   God, I love that kid.

Of course the box and the little red light were working fine for the entire ten minutes the repairman was in my house.  Five minutes after he left however, the little red light went off and the screen turned to snow.

    I called AGAIN.  The lady on the phone said the repairman reported everything was fine.  I explained, (for the umpteenth time), that is it periodical and that it wasn’t having its period when the repairman was there.  I also mentioned the little red light.  I was told in no uncertain terms that the little red light had nothing to do with anything and in no way effects my signal.

   “Well then what does it do?”

   “It has no effect on your signal.”

   “But what does it DO?”

   “It has no effect on your signal.”

   “What does it effect?
    “……Thank you for calling Comcast.”

   So my husband calls when he gets home and has the exact same conversation.  At least until he got to the part about the little red light.

   Comcast: “That has no effect on your signal”

   Husband:  “Fine, I don’t care what it effects, just send me a new box because this one is obviously defective.”

  Comcast: “No sir, we cannot send you a new box unless there is something wrong with your old box.”

   Husband: “There is something wrong with the old box, I just told you, the little red light goes off and I lose the signal.”

  Comcast: “The repairman was there today and he said your box is working perfectly.”

  Husband: “We told you, repeatedly, that it comes and goes.  It didn’t go while the repairman was here.  Just send me a new box.”

  Comcast: “No.”

  Husband: “What?  Listen, my box does not work right.  If you don’t send me a new box, then I am going to get a satellite.”

Comcast: “Go ahead.”

  Yup, she said go ahead.  So we did.  My husband had to call a different Comcast number to cancel his subscription, then he got in the car, drove to Radio Shack and there was a satellite on our roof in less then two hours.

   About a month later we received a bill in the mail for $1,500 from Comcast.  It said it was for our cable box that had been sitting in the closet since the satellite receiver went in.

   The bill said that we could avoid paying the $1,500 if we gave the box back.  So more phone calls, the gist of which was, they would not come to get it.  Nor would they accept the box at the local branch office.

     We had two choices, physically take the box to an office where they would accept it which was more then sixty miles away or ship it in a special, expensive box bought only at the post office, priority, overnight with $2,000 insurance coverage.

   We had pizza for dinner that night. My husband took the greasy pizza box, cut it into pieces that fit around the cable box, duct taped it together, wrote the address on it.  Then took it to the post office where he threw it on the counter and told the gentleman on the other side: “I want this to go on the back of a camel.”

   The man laughed, charged us a dollar and said it might get there in three months.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Your Lawn and the Zombie Apocalypse

           Your Lawn and the Zombie Apocalypse




Mother Nature has a way of taking care of your lawn all by herself.  If you mess with that, it will come back to bite you.  

   Now what does your lawn have to with the zombie apocalypse?   It could be the difference of survival and the continued enjoyment of life or a very grizzly end whereby your brains become a delicacy.

    Let’s take a peak at two neighbors shall we?  One the right we have Mr. Snoot.  Mr. Snoot keeps his lawn perfectly manicured at all times.  AT ALL TIMES.  If there is even a hint of something other then a uniform, two inch, slant-tipped (to the right), exact green- with- the- slightest- hint- of- Kentucky- blue in the yard, he saddles up with his pesticide super-soaker and kills that son of a bitching weed before it ever sees the sun set.  There is no time for hobbies  or any frivolity in his life, only herbicidal death.

   Next door, is his hippie neighbor, Miss Weed.  Miss Weed isn’t really a hippie.  After all, she listens to Slayer while planting her cucumbers and everyone knows Slayer is Hippie poison.  But Miss Weed does love nature.  And she loves all the things that naturally occur in it and she takes the time for hobbies and art and music and pays attention to her surroundings, so she is tune with her yard and knows that everything in it is there for a reason and everything works together perfectly just as Mother Nature intended.

    Miss weed has a lawn full of Dandelions, crab grass, clover, bunnies and….is that hay?

As you can imagine, Mr. Snoot is just appalled at Miss Weed’s lack of rigid grass discipline.  Mr. Snoot has thought this over very carefully and he knows.  HE KNOWS. What does he know?   He knows that everyone else is judged by a good image.  A good image means having a perfect lawn.  If you don’t have perfect lawn, people will know that you are not perfect.  If they know you are not perfect, then they will run you over and laugh at you, and probably find out; that what you really wanted to do with your life, was star in a burlesque pony show in Vegas.

    WE MUST KEEP THAT LAWN PERFECT!  WHAT IS THAT?  IS THAT A WEED?  WHERE IS MY SPRAYER OF DEATH!

   Miss Weed, on the other hand, just likes watching the cycle of life play out in her yard when she isn’t busy playing Slayer records and writing plays about Dragons that eat burlesque ponies.  She loves the dandelions.  She cannot understand how Mr. Snoot could hate them.  They are little fucking spots of sunshine in the yard and the seeds are so much fun to blow.  They are especially fun to blow at Mr. Snoot when he has the audacity to threaten her with lawsuits for letting her naturally occurring dandelions occur in her yard.  He also complains about the clover and how it attracts bunnies and sometimes the bunnies run through his yard and eat in his perfectly maintained flower beds.

     Well yeah, cause he doesn’t have any clover for them to eat.  They don’t bother Miss Weed’s flowers too much.

    Miss Weed doesn’t care for the monotony of Mr. Snoot’s lawn and wonders if he realizes that straight bladed grass is also, a weed.  

   Besides the dandelions, he has also threatened to sue over the naturally falling leaves that she doesn’t rake up.  They blow into his yard with the natural wind in the fall.

    Miss Weed just stares at Mr. Snoot galloping around his lawn with his sprayer, turning it into a superfund site. Then she yells over the fence:

   “If your getting free leaves it’s a gift, you moron!  Leaves are fertilizer.  If you left them there in the winter, then you wouldn’t need to spend money on chemicals that are probably causing that mysterious rash you have.”

   Why do snooty people hate leaves?  Fall leaves are very pretty and make for nice decoration in the yard.  Like dandelions and clover.  Sure they get brown in the dead of winter, but so does everything else.  Its winter, who gives a shit what your lawn looks like?  Rake up what’s left of them in the spring, not the fall.  The only leaf raking to be done in the fall is to make big piles to jump in.  Sweeping them off your porch or walkway to keep them from being tracked into the house is understandable, but Miss Weed cannot fathom why anyone’s lawn has to be free of the pretty colors in the fall.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Ultimately, Miss Weed has decided that Mr. Snoot’s lawn is boring and his village must have been attacked by clover when he was a child.

   But the world keeps turning and Mr. Snoot goes on with his serial weed killing and Miss Weed enjoys her multicultural grass.

    Then one day, out of the blue, zombie apocalypse.  Cause you know you aren’t going to get any forewarning about that shit.

   Mr. Snoot has barricaded himself in his house.  His precious lawn is in ruins having been trampled over by  hundreds of undead feet.  All that chemical fertilizer?  It has mutated the zombies and now they are all the size of The Incredible Hulk.  His perfectly green grass is now garnish for brain salad.  Since they won’t stay away, Mr. Snoot is trapped in his house and slowly starving to death.  He can however, see Miss Weed from his attic window.  She seems to be quite well fed and even partying it up a little.

      It’s all those dandelions from her yard that are in fact quite edible.  It also makes wine.  Mr. Snoot decides that since his own precious lawn is dead, he might as well make a run for Miss Weed’s yard.  He sprays down the front lawn with the leftover fertilizer in his basement and then makes a run for it across the back yard wile the zombies go to graze.  He climbs over the fence only to encounter Miss Weed’s best defense against the zombie humans.

    Zombie rabbits.

 Remember the bunny is Monty Python and the Holy Grail?  Yeah, she has an army of those.  One hopped a little too close to Mr. Snoot’s gate and now the whole warren is infected.  But the mutant effects didn’t make their bodies bigger, it made their brains bigger.  They are still vicious little undead monsters, but they are plotting to take over the world now.  Miss Weed is on the protected list.  Miss Weed let them have clover from her yard.

       

   

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Why I Love Bully Beatdown

         In short: They get it, while lots of well meaning people do not.   

   You hear about it everywhere. In the news and at the bus stops.  Bullying is suddenly out of hand. Why is that?  What can we do about it?

 Did anyone else notice that the increase in bullying started around the same time that zero-tolerance and anti-bullying programs started?

    Oh come on now Michelle, how does that possibly make any sense? Zero- tolerance means that kids can’t get away with anything by being the favorite and anti-bullying programs talk to kids about how to stop bullying.

   Uh-huh. Then why such a massive problem?

  Uh……

   Now don’t get me wrong, I am all about the anti-bullying and I know these people doing these programs want to stop bullying, however their approach actually is helping to fuel the bullying epidemic.  Why?  Because the are giving bullies all the power.

Let me show you an example.  We will use Sally as the bully and Michelle as the victim and we will look at this example in two ways: 

 #1. Current anti-bullying tactic proponent fantasy

 #2. Reality

   In current anti-bullying thought, When Sally sees Michelle and tries to bully her.  Michelle will simply walk away to the principal’s office to tell on Sally and then the principal and counselor will talk to Sally until she understands that her behavior is bad.  Of course they realize this might take awhile but it will certainly work in the end and they will definitely devote all of their resources to making Sally not be a bully.  Also, if there are other students around who have witnessed Sally try to bully Michelle, they will immediately walk briskly, (running in the hall is NOT allowed), and tell a teacher who will stop it before it gets out of hand and refer Sally to the counselor and principal.

   What has everybody learned?  Bullying is bad and good people don’t bully and everyone wants to be a good person.  Yay!  Confetti and rainbows!

    Now let’s look at this situation through the lens of reality.

   Michelle is being threatened by Sally.  Michelle goes to the principal’s office and tells him her problem.  The principal calls Sally to his office and tells her that’s bad and she is not allowed to do that.  Sally isn’t stupid though, she tells the principal that it isn’t her that’s doing the threatening, its Michelle who is threatening her, but she has been too scared until this moment to say anything about it.  Crocodile tears and sad faces all around.

   Now being that Michelle does not get into much trouble and Sally has a list of offenses a mile long, the principal is pretty sure she is lying, crocodile tears and all, but he has to take her report of being threatened down, because the zero tolerance policy states all threats must be taken seriously and recorded. And rightly so.

   Now Sally knows Michelle is scared.  Otherwise she would not have gone to the principals office.  All predators know scared prey is easy prey.  So Sally watches Michelle and waits until that one class she has at the end of a lonely hallway.  That place where she will be fairly well isolated and has to be in order to get to a class which she will be in incredible amounts of trouble for if she skips.

    Sally has no reason to be in that hallway at that time of day, but she skips her own class because she doesn’t give a shit about class, if she did, she would probably have better things on her mind then bullying.  So she waits until Michelle rounds the corner and promptly traps her between herself and two brick walls.

   Now is the point where Michelle is supposed to walk away and tell a teacher. Except in order to get away, she has to either go through a brick wall or Sally. Michelle is 5 ft. tall and weighs 100 lbs. She realizes that the brick wall is not an option.  That leaves Sally.  Sally is bigger then her yes but, not impossible to go through like the brick wall.

   However, now there is a new dilemma.  If Michelle goes through Sally there is going to be a fight.  Then Michelle risks being punished for being involved in a fight according to the zero-tolerance policy.  So…. is it worth it to stand there and take the beating?  I mean how much is she going to hate herself tomorrow for not at least trying to fight back?  And how many more beatings will she endure once it is obvious that she is an easy target who does not even try to fight back?  Also, if a teacher happens to come along, she will still likely get punished for being involved in a fight.  It’s unclear, especially when showing up after a fight has begun, if someone is purposefully not fighting back or just losing badly.  Especially when both parties have accused the other of starting the threats.  Not to mention, even if Michelle were to decide to stand there and get her ass kicked, when Sally starts swinging, Michelle’s natural instincts to defend herself might kick in and override that decision.  She is only human after all.

   Now you might be thinking, But surely there are other kids going to that same class.  She can’t be alone completely.

Well yes there are, but this is realty we are talking about, and in reality, those kids see what is happening and decide they are not getting involved.

 Why?  Well, several reasons.

1.     They don’t want to piss Sally off and become her next victim. As long as she is busy bothering Michelle, she is not bothering them.

2.     Sally might take a swing at them for interfering and then they will end up being punished for being involved in a fight.

3.     They are frozen in morbid fascination at the whole thing.

    So the fight begins.  Now you have noise and probably an audience. This eventually attracts the attention of a teacher.  Both girls are hauled off to the principal’s office.

   The principal is on the phone with the superintendant who his riding his ass because of parent complaints and his wife is holding on line two waiting to find out who Hot_Dorothy69 is on his contact list.  He is remembering the last time Sally got in trouble and how much of a pain in the ass her mother was.  Oh, and he has two parent/teacher conferences to referee before 3:00.  And his stapler just broke.

He doesn’t have time for this shit.

  He calls the counselor, but she has 16 senior college applications to help with, 10 return calls to concerned parents and all the other counselors’ workload to finish since they cut the budget.  Again.

   She doesn’t have time for this shit either.

   Nobody has time for this shit.

    So the principal will administer the same punishment for both because they have zero tolerance for fighting in this school.  They also receive the same lectures and admonitions about bullying.

  Who has learned what in this reality experience?

     Well, Sally has learned that everyone has played their part and believes that her dominance is once again confirmed.  After all, the other students fear her even more and she hasn’t suffered one bit from the punishment, most likely a suspension, that she knew was coming from the outset.  The lectures about bullying only serve to give her something to gloat about.  And even more so knowing that Michelle has to hear them too.

  What has Michelle Learned?  That Bullies are winners and victims are losers. Not only did she get her ass kicked, as if that wasn’t humiliating enough, but she also gets punished for it.  Something Michelle cares about, unlike Sally.  Also Michelle knows she has a future of ass kicking’s ahead of her now, because she is seen as weak.  She is seen as someone Sally and other bullies can beat on and harass to keep their top dog status.  School suspensions are a joke to bullies. 

   Michelle is also feeling really let down and angry about all this.  Initially it’s the humiliation of getting her ass kicked, but eventually that gives way to the realization that she is not allowed to defend herself and that no one else is allowed to defend her either.  Her future is done for.  If the school system is so easily manipulated by the bully then probably every other system of authority throughout life, (work, government), is too.  This is when the hopelessness sets in.

   It all boils down to the psychology of bullying.  You can talk to bullies all day long and they will never get it.  They need to have their asses kicked.  Because that is their world view.  Their view is very simple: The strong are the winners and the weak are the losers.  As long as you are demonstrating dominance, you are a winner.  Winners kick ass.

    Losers are talkers.  People who talk about love and kindness and turning the other cheek are losers.  So you see, the more you talk to a bully, the more you simply re-enforce their worldview.  They do not respect it.

  Bullies NEED to have their asses kicked first.

  That is the only way to get them to listen.

  They will never endeavor to think differently until their world view of "who is on top" is challenged.  No amount of talking and giving examples is going to change that.  They will not even consider another way of viewing reality until their own reality is shattered.  When they realize that they aren’t always the top dog, then their minds open up to new possibilities.  That’s when they start looking for new answers. That’s when you can talk love and kindness to them. Then they will listen.  

         This is why I love Bully Beatdown.  This is what they do.

     There is also one other factor to consider in the rise of the bully.  Many schools and gathering places in the past had what’s known as the bully’s bully. This was the person who never picked on an innocent, but when they saw someone picking on someone else who was smaller or weaker, they stepped in and kicked the bully’s ass. This took care of many bullies.  But now there is no place for the bully’s bully.  He will get into just as much trouble as the actual bully, so it’s not worth the effort.

 As far as cyber bullying goes, there is a lot of talk about how bullies shouldn't do it, but I have yet to see anyone tell kids. "Hey, Use that delete and block function. And stick with it!”   Cyber bullies want drama, if you don't give it to them, they will look elsewhere. 


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I Want to be Entertained

                   I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED


     I hate chick-flicks and I hate the Lifetime network.  I admit I haven’t tried to look at either in years, but that’s because I have learned my lesson.
    I have been forced to watch them here and there with various friends who thought they were the greatest thing ever.
        I remember Lifetime had this catch phrase, “Television for women.” I am not someone who is easily offended, but that phrase really offended me.  Why?  Because I don’t want to be lumped in with all the cry-baby, unimaginative, shocked by the boring and mundane people who watch that stuff just because I am a female.  We aren’t all into crap.  When I watch TV and movies, I want to be entertained.  That means hot guys and shit blowing up.  Space Aliens, monsters and evil super villains’ are always good too.
    There is no such thing as a hot guy on the Lifetime network.  I sat through part of some awful made- for- Lifetime- want-to be-movie because there was supposed to be a really hot guy in it.  I spent twenty minutes thinking, “This movie sucks. Where’s the hot guy?”  Then I caught a profile shot of the ugly dude with the bad hair cut and nerd glasses and realized I had been looking at him since the opening credits.  It was the only time I came close to crying while watching one of those stupid movies.
   I was actually kind of impressed with the hair and make-up people.  They should do horror because for me that was really scary.  It still couldn’t keep me interested in the plot though.  I can’t even remember what the plot was supposed to be it was so boring.  I just know there were lots of whiny ladies who cried all the time.
   What’s with the crying?
     It seems like most of the problems the main character has to deal with in these types of movies could be easily  solved by simply punching her boyfriend, boss and mother all in the face and then never talking to any of them again.
    But they don’t, they just cry in front of some other idiot with a bad hair cut and ugly tie who then whisks them off to a life of “realistic” happily ever after.  Supposedly realistic because he has some silly flaw she has to overlook, like a tendency to be clumsy or forgetful or have a blue-collar job or be sparkly.
     It all boils down to two things for me:
  1.  I just can’t relate.  I would never do things the way the women in the story do.  I try to tell them how to fix it all, but no matter how loud I yell at the TV, they never listen. Asshats.
  2.  The setting is everyday, boring reality.  I live in everyday, boring reality.  When I sit down to watch TV, I want to be entertained, Dammit!  Show me a hot guy blowing something up and a girl character who punches her jerk boyfriend in the face and goes off to join the space marines and then blows something up instead of sitting around crying.
    I want to see space lizards who drive fast cars and rob Swiss banks with the help of outlaw bikers and Ninja assassins, Why? Because I can.  Because it’s TV.   Because I can’t see this stuff on my way to work in the morning.  It doesn’t have to follow the rules of everyday boring life.  It doesn’t even have to follow the laws of physics.  If I could see stuff like that in my everyday life maybe then somebody’s husband running off with the babysitter and leaving a crying woman behind to go on some bad dates and settle for a summer cottage in the mountains with an ugly dentist might seem interesting but…. No, no that could never be interesting.  Space aliens would have to blow up the cottage.